Thirty & Worthy: Choosing a Career Change in the Face of Fear & Imposter Syndrome
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, don't sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy!”
— Dale Carnegie
If you’ve ever battled with imposter syndrome, self-doubt, fear of the unknown, or difficulty committing to life-changing choices, then this post is for you.
Welcome to the story of my career change, where I will delve into my history while also providing some insights, perspective, and life lessons along the way.
When I first started writing this post, my initial thought was that the story begins when I turned 30 as my 30s have been a time of confidence and courage, and in turn a time of change. I actually refer to it as the decade of discomfort and detours (in a good way). However, truth be told, my career change was in the making a long time ago.
Growing up I mainly identified as the good student and the good girl. I got straight A’s, achieving valedictorian and summa cum laude. I was relatively reserved and focused. Being a student came easy to me – not because I was exceptionally smart by any means, but just because I was hardworking. It was a must. In my family, academics were top priority.
However, there was always a part of me that craved the creative. When I was young, I tried many avenues of expressive arts, including dance, singing, acting, piano, guitar, and crafting. However, nothing seemed to stick. Perhaps I just didn’t find my thing yet. But I also think there were other factors at play. First, the fact that college was always on the horizon and the pressures that go with it caused me to feel like I had no time for anything else. Second, I had a bad case of imposter syndrome. I always felt out of place when stepping outside the world of academia. As if I could only be one-dimensional. At home I was the silly fun creative one, but only my immediate family really knew that side of me. To everyone else I was Miss Studious. And in my mind, the teacher’s pet couldn’t possibly be an artist or entertainer, too. So, with my lack of self-confidence and abundance of concern for how others perceived me, I never mustered enough courage to truly engage in anything outside my studies.
This followed me into college, where I flipped back and forth between being a psychology major and a creating writing major. In the end, my pragmatic ways won, and I studied psychology followed by a master’s in mental health counseling. As fascinating as I found this field, it turned out that the realities of the work were not the best fit for me. Long story short? The assessment we took during the first year of my grad program was correct: I have a very high level of empathy. This may sound great for a future therapist, but too much of a good thing… well, it could quickly lead to burnout in the counseling world. So, after some experience with this in practicum and internship, I decided to make a change before the inevitable caught up with me.
During my school years, I worked on campus in a few different roles involving helping other students. And I LOVED it. So, post-graduation, I decided to pursue a career in higher education. I could connect and help others while utilizing my strengths and counseling skills - not to mention, avoid taking an overwhelming mental and emotional toll on myself. It was meaningful and fun work. Nonetheless, I always felt like something was missing. My craving to be creative never faded, and creative opportunities were limited in this field.
Fast forward to me at 30, thriving in my career, but now going on more than a decade without any steady creative pursuits - just the occasional party planning for family and crafting here and there. At this time, my husband and I bought our first house. New construction. Blank slate. And oh did the creative juices rejoice at this opportunity! Suddenly, designing and decorating were my new favorite hobbies. The first year it was just that, a hobby, with perhaps the occasional wishful thought of doing it for a living. But by the second year, the thoughts became more persistent. I couldn't shake them. But I also couldn't bring myself to fully embrace them. That was not me. I am an academic. I work in academics. I always stick to what I know and what I am good at. There is no way I can jump ship and try something totally different. It's too much. Too risky. Too scary. Too intimidating. Not to mention, what will others think? I already did one minor career path shift; I couldn’t possibly change directions again and to this degree. The reasons not to seemed endless and definitive.
Nevertheless, the thoughts persisted right along with all my fears and doubts. And with time (a year or two) the wishful thoughts started to outweigh those fears and doubts. To be honest, they had a little help from my tendencies to be over-analytical and do a ridiculous amount of research (particularly before any major decision). My overthinking gradually made the daydreaming feel more like a well-thought-out choice, while my research gave my analysis further support and encouragement. I learned about the field of interior design and how my previous experiences and skills would translate well into this new field: communication, interpersonal, assessment (analytical), problem-solving, planning, time management, organization, attention to detail, project management, collaboration… Not to mention, a love of design and a desire to create.
So, after many discussions in my head and with my husband, I decided to test the waters with a class or two from a local college with an accredited design program. After my Studio 1 and History of Architecture and Design courses, I was hooked. I loved that there was both an art and a science to interior design. It was creative yet technical. The latter of which many people don't know about interior design. The relationship between these two aspects fascinated me then and now.
Me sitting at my drafting table, working on space plans and schedules.
I continued with my studies, eventually going part-time in my job at the university and then resigning altogether as I approached my design internship. (Side note: I want to recognize my privilege - I had a partner who supported me and whose career could financially support us both, which greatly aided me in this new endeavor). Regardless of the financial and emotional support I had from loved ones, the steps I took in separating from my current career did not happen without hesitancy. I had a great job, doing something I enjoyed with people I enjoyed working with. But I knew these steps were necessary to truly give interior design a chance. It was the only way to settle the “ifs” that circled my mind tirelessly: if I could learn something new… if I could succeed in this new field… if I could find an even more fulfilling path… if I could be more than just an academic…
If. IF. What a big tiny scary word. There were no guarantees. Except one. If I didn't pursue this fully, I would have to live with the scariest if of all - the WHAT IF… I would always have to wonder what if I had gone for it, what if I had pursued this career… Would I have done well? Would I have been happier? And the wondering and regret were things I was not willing to live with. I decided I'd rather risk the potential failure than the ominous alternative of never knowing. I was fully aware of the real possibility that I may not succeed, or even if I did, I may still feel unfulfilled and have to start all over again. But the truest failure would be not trying at all. So, I leaped. I parted ways with what was practical, safe, known, and easy. And I took pride in taking a chance on myself, for myself.
So, what’s the moral of the story?
Allow me to summarize the takeaways I got from my journey while divulging more details on how things unfolded before and after going all in.
Takeaway #1:
Don't let others' perceptions of you dictate who you are, who you will become, and what your future can be. You know you best. Bet on yourself. Trust yourself. As a character says in one of my favorite teen flicks:
“Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. Go for it.”
And that includes yourself. Don’t let your own erroneous self-concept debilitate you. As well as you may know yourself, you are also likely your worse critic, so strive to be as objective as possible when evaluating your potential. I can recall the new student orientation when we got to peek into classes, see what students were working on, and view former student projects on the walls. I vividly remember looking at the amazing designs and artwork, particularly the hand-drawn renderings, thinking there is no way I could ever get anywhere close to this. The program advisor assured us all that they would teach us how and we would learn, but I just thought to myself, "they are seriously underestimating just how little drawing ability I have." Lo and behold, at the end of my Studio 1 course, my final project was selected to hang on one of those walls. And eventually, three others would be selected for display and another would win a class competition. It wasn’t easy, but it happened.
Me taking a picture with one of my school projects selected for display on the classroom wall.
Takeaway #2:
Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you. It’s normal to be afraid, to doubt, to hesitate. But don’t let it keep you from trying something new. Do it anyway. You may just surprise yourself. Jumping into the deep end does not guarantee inevitable drowning, rather it can make you into the best swimmer you've ever been. Stepping out of your comfort zone does not mean permanent discomfort, it's temporary as you ultimately expand your comfort zone. The change and all the growth that comes with it are undeniably scary and challenging, but those challenges build confidence and fade out the fear. Not to mention, the fight and struggle will build skills, insight, and perspective. So, embrace it all. You get one life. Live it.
Takeaway #3:
Give yourself space to be a learner before you can become a master. I think the hiccup for many, including myself, is this assumption that if it doesn't come naturally then it's not meant to be. Enter imposter syndrome. Look at my story, fear and doubt were ever-present for me - even when the decision was made, actions were taken, and successes were achieved. I excelled in all my courses, received praise from instructors, had school projects placed on display, got recommended for internships, received a paid position and excelled within it… Yet I had imposter syndrome. Why? Because it was hard work getting there? There were countless late nights, migraines, breakdowns and tears, body aches from being hunched over a drafting table for far too long (that eventually led to needing physical therapy), numerous visits to the school lab for help, a lot of independent studying on the side (thank you, YouTube), and many social events and family time sacrificed. I suffered and struggled for those successes, and mistook that difficulty to mean I was an imposter who was underqualified and didn’t belong in this field. And that is a misconception we all need to stop making.
You're not an imposter. You're a learner. It’s ok to work for it. No one is expecting you to know it all from the start – take it step by step, at your own pace, so long as you keep moving forward. And recognize that perfection does not exist. This is a hard one for me - I don’t like doing anything unless I know I can do it very well. But that’s no way to live. You’ll miss out on so much. So, give yourself grace. I once heard, “don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” Forgive me for forgetting the source of this sage advice, but sage advice it is. This was usually my mistake whenever imposter syndrome showed its ugly face. We have to remember we all have different life experiences, with different strengths and areas for growth. And we are at varying stages of life and stages of achieving our goals. We have to be patient with ourselves. Not to mention, give yourself credit for trying at all. Life is hard as it is. So, taking on another challenge to better yourself and your life is something that should not go unrecognized.
Me and my school supplies.
Top Left Image: Me heading off to school with my many many bags of supplies.
Larger Image: My first haul of school supplies for the design program. To think I did not even know what a T-square was when I started! I recall feeling so lost in the art supply stores trying to find everything on the list - talk about imposter syndrome! It was strong as I navigated the aisles trying to figure out what and where every item was.
Don’t let the trials defeat you and deflect you from your happiness. Remind yourself that the best things in life are not easy. There will be twists and turns, unexpected detours, and speed bumps, but the journey is just as valuable as the destination, if not more. If you learn from it, grow from it, gain from it, and can move forward with those lessons, then it’s worthy of your time and effort. Put it in your book as a win.
Takeaway #4:
Lastly, if you’re considering making a life-changing choice, know that such major life decisions are not usually one-time decisions to go for it and never look back. Difficult and life-changing choices will not only be deliberated before the first step, but throughout the entire journey. And the decision will need to be remade just about every day. Whether it was my early days of planning to make the first move, my school days, or even my first design job, I found myself occasionally needing to recommit to this decision. Even today, with this new adventure, as I draft this post, I’m still reassuring myself that this is the right move for me. Maybe the fear creeps back in when it feels forgotten or maybe it was just a tough day, regardless, the decision-making process continues. And each time I come back to one encouraging fact: at least I’m trying. I’m trying something new and I’m trying to grow and I’m trying to figure out life. And in the end, that’s my real goal: to avoid what-ifs and regrets as well as explore and learn what I’m capable of. And in just the past few years of this new chapter, I have learned a lot and grown in confidence through it.
You know the saying, "fake it till you make it"? Well, I think the biggest thing you have to fake is confidence in yourself to yourself – until eventually, you build some real confidence. And the most meaningful confidence I have ever built came from this career change. Not simply because of my achievements, but what went into those achievements. They did not come easy. At times they felt downright impossible. And yet, I figured them out. I continually chose to keep going. And one after the other, I got through them. I did the work. I persevered. I met and exceeded expectations - my own and others'. I survived and thrived. The impossible became possible.
Let me say that again. The impossible became possible.
THIS. This is what gives me confidence today. I did it. What felt so far-fetched one day, is now an old success story. This fact is the key to me reigniting my confidence whenever it dwindles. I remind myself that this next new scary thing is not the first new scary thing I've faced. My life is made up of many of them – and the worst has yet to happen! Just to name a few: every new class, every new job, first time living on my own, learning to ride a bike, drive, or swim for the first time… the list goes on. And I'm sure you have similar experiences you can pull from, too. We've all been newbies before - in fact, if anything, we're all experts at being new and inexperienced. Therefore, there's no point in avoiding it or fighting it. “Change is the only constant in life” is a common phrase for a reason. So, we might as well embrace life by embracing change.
Even if this new path doesn’t last me until the end, the pursuit of it has given me a lot already. So, was the gamble worth it? I say so.
Life has so much to offer. And so do you. Don’t limit yourself.
And that's my TED talk. Thanks for coming.
